Leading from Within: Experiences with Self-Trust and Broken Connection

I was recently speaking to a group of leaders about what it means to lead with authenticity, meaning, and purpose. At one point during the talk, I paused and shared the following story. 

I told them about my one real regret in life. 

Like most of us, I’ve had my share of setbacks, tough calls, and personal endings. But this one stays with me, not because it was the most painful, but because of what it revealed about the cost of not trusting yourself. 

I’m a pretty intuitive decision-maker. It’s how I’ve built my career and how I navigate life. But there was one moment I didn’t, and it’s hard to forget because I lost an opportunity to do something I had always dreamed of doing—writing a book.  

About 15 years ago, an acquisition editor from a major publishing house in the U.S. reached out to me. She had read something I wrote, saw potential in it (and in me), and extended an offer to publish a book. I didn’t have a big platform, and I wasn’t famous, but she believed I had something to say that would matter to readers. She was also new to this publisher, so this would have been her first book deal. 

Late on a Friday afternoon, she sent me a preliminary contract to review. We had a call set for Monday morning to finalize the details and ink the deal. 

But instead of sitting with the opportunity and trusting the connection we had already built, I started second-guessing myself. 

I called a friend who had written a New York Times Best Seller. She connected me to a well-known literary agent in Los Angeles. We spoke on Saturday. The agent signed me immediately. Without me giving the editor a heads-up, my agent emailed her directly on Sunday with critical feedback regarding the contract. 

On Monday morning, I joined the call expecting to seal the deal. When I joined the Zoom meeting, in addition to the acquisition editor, the managing editor was also on the call. 

I immediately knew this was not a good sign. 

They said they could see red flags in the relationship and withdrew the offer. 

I was stunned. Embarrassed. Heartbroken. 

What hurt the most wasn’t losing the contract, although that definitely sucked. It was realizing I’d broken trust with someone who had believed in me before I believed in myself. And I did it by outsourcing my judgment and ignoring the one voice I should have trusted: my own. 

What This Taught Me 

That moment changed how I think about decision-making, trust, and communication. It reminded me that real leadership, whether in life, business, or writing, begins with inner alignment—trusting ourselves to do the right thing.  

I learned three things from this experience.  

Trust yourself. 

It sounds simple, but it’s hard to do, especially when you’re swimming in new waters. But if you have spent a lifetime making sound, intuitive decisions, don’t abandon that inner compass in moments of doubt. The one time I didn’t, it cost me.  

Wisdom doesn’t always come from gathering more information. It often comes from listening inward and standing firm.   

The idea of listening inward may sound a bit vague or idealistic, so I’ll first define it and then provide an example of how it can work.  

Listening inward is the practice of tuning into your own internal signals—your values, instincts, and lived experiences—before making decisions. It doesn’t mean you ignore advice or facts from others. It’s about striking a balance between external input and internal wisdom. 

For example, imagine you’re leading a team through a restructuring. An outside consultant tells you the “smart” move is to cut a program that doesn’t appear to be driving ROI on a spreadsheet. But you know the program builds trust and cohesion across your team, and without it, morale and collaboration will suffer long-term. 

Data says cut it. Your gut says keep it. 

Listening inward is the moment you pause, consider both, and ask yourself: What decision will I be proud of in six months or a year from now? What feels right and is true to my personal and organizational values? What have I done in the past in a similar situation?  

Back to the book deal. My goal was to write a book, not demand a big advance. My agent wanted me to get the advance, which ultimately helped kill the deal.   

In leadership, self-trust isn’t arrogance. It’s knowing how and when to act (what I call wisdom), when to seek counsel, but never outsourcing your final call. 

Relationships are built on trust, which can be broken quickly. 

In retrospect, the most damaging thing I did was fracture the trust the editor had in me.  

She saw something in me long before I had an audience. She also took a risk on me, since I had no track record of writing a book.   

Mine is a cautionary tale, reinforcing the lesson most of us know—once trust is broken, it is very difficult to rebuild, and in some cases, like mine, it’s never rebuilt. 

As a leader, I always remind the team to put the customer or client first. Before you start talking about business, talk about life. Ask how they are doing. Tend to your relationships and the rest will take care of itself. Never forget that it is the relationship that got you to the table in the first place. 

In my self-doubt, I lost sight of this. In trying to do my “due diligence,” I neglected the relationship—the very foundation of the opportunity

Communicate early, clearly, and often. 

Communication is key in any relationship. Whether it’s a personal or professional relationship, if you have concerns about something, it’s important to speak up. It can be a little scary, I know, but silence creates space for confusion and/or misinterpretation.  

Clear, timely communication creates alignment, and alignment is what moves people forward together. 

In my case, a short, honest phone call might have preserved the relationship and the opportunity. Leadership communication is about keeping people informed, aligned, and connected as you figure things out together. It also builds goodwill.   

If you're a leader (or becoming one) my invitation is simple: trust yourself. Lead from the inside out. And never underestimate the power of clear, timely, human communication. It changes everything. And remember to keep relationships as the centerpiece of all decisions you make. It is a truism that we win together, not by ourselves. 

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About the Author

Dr. Frank Niles is Principal Business Psychologist at BSM Partners where he leads the firm’s business transformation practice. A trusted advisor to leaders and organizations around the world, he works with a broad portfolio of clients, ranging from start-ups to Fortune 50 Companies. Frank is regularly featured or quoted in the media, having appeared in Inc, Fast Company, CNN, NBC, NPR, and many more media outlets. In his free time, he climbs mountains.